And It Begins…

It’s almost my birthday. How am I this age? Where did all that time go? We’re not supposed to compare ourselves to others, but really? Who doesn’t? At the end of the day it’s God’s opinion that matters, but I’m not gonna lie. I look at other women my age, and even thirty years younger and shake my head at how much time I wasted being…

What was I being? At the risk of sounding like I disapprove of myself, I’d say I was being pig-headed and prideful and downright immature. I still feel that way! Immature I mean. Like I really never became an adult, lol. How can I explain?

One of my former office managers and I have become very close over the years. We are the same age, but with totally different backgrounds. She says the same thing I do, though! Even though she went to college out of high school, had a lucrative career, got married and had a family all by the age of thirty, she still feels like she never grew up either. She still likes dressing in jeans and tee-shirts, throwing back a few beers, and dancing to classic rock.

I, on the other hand, was just beginning to grow up at thirty, only I never really made it. Three steps forward, four steps back. That was me. And it’s been that way since I embraced my faith at the age of fifty-three, too. Because I’ve always been so easily distracted? Because I give in to temptation so easily? Because I had the wanderlust and never wanted to be saddled?

I had to force myself to marry at thirty years old because I needed a reason to discipline myself. That first man I married, may he rest in peace, blessed me with my beautiful, intelligent, worldly daughter and four bonus kids. The second husband blessed me with more bonus kids for my kid to grow up with but chose a different path one day and we split. Never thought I’d marry again, but this one, that I’ve known since early childhood, blessed me with two more bonus kids and his sweet, gentle soul to grow older with. I have bonus grandkids, too! Sixteen of them 🙂 God is so good to me.

Had I not given birth to my own biggest blessing I would surely be dead by now. The recklessness would have killed me. Having a child tends to change your perspective, no? It changed mine, and gave me a reason to finally go back to school to get a viable career under my belt. I had to! I couldn’t stay married to her dad and I needed to know I could provide for us without anyone else’s help. I couldn’t do that for myself, but I did it for her. That seems to be a pattern in my life.

I’m working on a project I thought about doing last year, but I was unwilling to make the commitment. I was unsure I could live up to it. There’s something in me that makes me not follow through with things that are just for me. But when it’s for someone else, especially someone I care about, it will get done. What’s that about? I guess I haven’t been very nice to me.

So…as much as I was an overachiever as a schoolchild, I was an overachiever in the mistake department as a young and not-so-young adult. I’ve always wondered why. I had great role models and an amazing small town childhood, albeit a little wild. My family was not your average white-bread Americana family. Grandpa’s bar at the corner of our street, my aunt’s bar in the city, my crazy cousins and sisters, and the sixties and seventies. That’s my excuse. Oh. And my mom. She loved to laugh and dance and have a few drinks.

Mom passed on her wild gene to me and my late sister, Pat. Joanne, not so much. The oldest daughters are always the responsible ones, aren’t they? Joanne is my sister-mother, who just turned eighty on January first. She still treats me like I’m her kid.

Since I was in the fourth grade I’ve wanted to publish a book or two. I used to write short stories and turn them in for my teacher to edit, just because. She’s the one, (Miss Adsit), that told my mom I should pursue a writing and teaching career. And that was the plan. But something – that wild streak – kicked in full force the year after high school and I opted to forego another few years of college in lieu of a job that took me traveling. The wanderlust got me and I never looked back.

Here’s an important thing to know about my teenage years: I compromised my original goals and that decision set off a series of catastrophic events in this kid’s life that took almost forty years to recover from. For some reason I didn’t want the safe, practical life. I worked for Kodak before I did one semester at SUNY Brockport. Ugh. It was all so mundane to me.

Like a lot of nineteen-year-olds, I wavered between the devil on one shoulder and my guardian angel on the other. My choice was not the high road, only I really didn’t see it then, being so very blinded and headstrong. Like when Eve cocked her eyebrow at the serpent before she took that bite. Any headstrong girl will take you up on a dare.

To me, taking off with a crew of traveling sales kids run by a few thirty-year olds, was the perfect way to get to California. My plan was to get there and quit the job. The job was good, though, and I was dating the owner so a couple years passed before I eventually quit.

One thing I can say for sure is this: That job taught me more than any college books would have at that point in my life. I learned to survive. I learned how your attitude makes all the difference, degree or no degree. I just wish I had discovered my purpose earlier, that’s all.

In Rick Warren’s book, THE PURPOSE DRIVEN LIFE, he says if we are wondering what God wired us for we should look back at our childhood and recall things we loved to do, things that nobody had to motivate us to do, things we were passionate about.

For me, it was writing and helping other students understand what was being taught. It gave me great satisfaction to explain something and see their eyes light up when they got it. I was wired to teach and encourage and relate to people. That last part is what I loved so very much about my dental hygiene career. I really miss it so much.

Do you agree that when we compromise our childhood goals, we derail what we were wired to do? I KNOW, had I opted to finish college and become a teacher, that my life would have been so much better for me and those in my sphere. And, more importantly, I would have been fulfilling God’s purpose for me all these years, instead of waiting until now. He let me make a big enough mess of things before He reined me in so I could relate to more people in the Kingdom building business.

I do believe I’m still on this planet because I have not fulfilled that purpose yet. God has a plan for me, just like He does for you. No matter how many times you try to go around it, if you dare to ask Him to show you what it is, He will. And if you can’t figure out why life just isn’t going how you wanted it to, it’s because you’re not doing what He created you for. You may still be “successful,” in the eyes of the world, but in your own being, if you’re dissatisfied, even if you have all the things, maybe consider reading Rick’s book I mentioned above.

Not a believer? It’s ok. You don’t have to be to ask questions and gather information. God loves when people question His existence. Quick joke here, stolen from evangelist Greg Laurie, “Q: What did God say when He created teenagers? A: Let parents know what it feels like to create something that denies your existence!” 😅 Right?

If you are a believer, have you figured out your purpose? Maybe you’re in progress. Bravo for you! But have you ever read the Bible cover to cover? If not, that’s ok, too! Follow along on my Facebook group by the same name as this blog. https://www.facebook.com/groups/596255577680060 In it I am sharing my ‘Bible-in-a-year’ study as of a few weeks ago.

Yes, I’m going through every book of the Bible, even the really boring, monotonous ones. After the first few that lay the foundation of our world and the Christian faith, I will be less detailed. But there’s so much in Genesis and Exodus that will help people understand better the stories and events of the New Testament. That’s the commitment I made, to myself and my Facebook followers, on January 4th. God nudged me that day as I was catching up with the readings from the beginning of the year on the app I listen with.

I must end here, but not before I share a page from chapter five of the book I am finally writing. I just shared it with my FB groups a few minutes ago, and posed the question, “would you read this book based on this one page?” 

Oh my! I got responses! It was such a surprise to me, because I post lots of God stuff and nobody reacts or comments. But this time, they did.

The whole reason I started this blog is the same reason I’m writing the book. #PEOPLE MUST KNOW! Chosen fans will understand that slogan. People must know that our Creator loves us unconditionally, desperately wants a relationship with every one of us, and it’s never too late to look up and say, “OK God, if you can look past all my crap, I guess I can look past all my doubts.”

Before I post that page, may I just say there is Peace in Christ alone. There is really nothing on this planet, especially now, in times such as these, that will calm your soul and give you hope. We believers can remain calm in the chaos because we have that hope. We know how our story ends no matter what. Remember this, but don’t ask me who said it, lol:

Not everyone gets into heaven, but all are invited.

Jesus said it himself in John 14:6

“I am the way and the truth and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me.”

***

FROM CHAPTER FIVE OF MY ROUGH DRAFT

‘For the Bad Girls, the Haters, and the Secretly Curious’

My whole reason for writing is to share what I know with people like me, because I want them, and YOU, to know what I know.  

People like me have a wild streak and did mostly everything wrong more than once. People like me feel stupid, remorseful, and ashamed about lots of things. People like me are prideful, pig-headed, perfectionists that hate for anyone to know they failed at anything. People like me bury their feelings about their poor choices and bad experiences, pretending everything’s okay when it’s not. People like me need Jesus. Read my blog, https://godlovesbadgirlstoo.com  You’ll see.

Even if the planet wasn’t in total chaos I would be doing this, but especially because it is, people must know that we all have a God-shaped hole in our hearts that only He can fill! We humans seek solace and comfort in all the wrong places. Why?

I know what took me so long to come around. All I could think of is what I would have to give up to become a Christian. That’s a pretty standard excuse. This bad girl wasn’t ready to be a good girl. Simple as that.

EDIT: I have to clarify something here and I want you to know I’m editing, because this is really important.

You never have to give up anything. You want to as your relationship with Jesus matures. Just like any other relationship with someone you adore 🙂 And I no longer feel stupid, ashamed, or remorseful, because He freed me of that. He forgave me and cleaned me up, inside and out. And His opinion, approval, and validation is all that matters to me. Not yours, or that of any other human.

It’s so important that you understand that, because my misguided life was all about seeking validation. And yes, it stems from childhood, but let’s not go down that rabbit hole. Most of us chase validation for whatever reason. There are so many. It’s a basic, egotistical human need, only there are no humans qualified to label you ‘APPROVED.’

Only God can do that.

The love and forgiveness and acceptance of Jesus lifts that burden off of you when you really let Him in. He meant what He said when He said the truth will set you free. It’s hard to get it, until you get it. He is the way, the truth, and the life. When you strive to know Him, He reveals Himself to you in so many ways. Read chapter fourteen of the book of John. >>https://www.bible.com/bible/116/JHN.14.NLT

What if all of us Jesus freaks are right and you’re not? What do you really have to lose? Would your friends still be your friends? Would you lose your job? Your family? Your self-image? Ahhhh, that’s a big one. What will people think? Peer pressure. It’s not just kids that succumb to it. We humans love approval and acceptance, and we do the dance our whole lives to get the attention we think will satisfy.

END OF ROUGH DRAFT COPY

Peace in Christ